Are You a Good or Bad Guest? — BT Berakhot 58a (#2) — #80

[Ben Zoma] used to say: What does a good guest say? “How much trouble my host went to for my sake! How much meat he served me! How much wine he served me! How many cakes he served me! Every effort this host expended was only for my sake!” But what does a bad guest say? “How much trouble did this host go to for me? I ate one serving of bread. I ate one piece [of meat]. I drank one cup [of wine]. Every effort this host expended was taken only for his wife and his children.” Concerning a good guest, what does [Scripture] say? Remember, then, to magnify his work concerning which people have sung (Job 36:24) Concerning a bad guest, it is written, Therefore people fear him (Job 37:24).

INTRODUCTION

Hakarat ha-tov means “recognition of the good”—in other words: gratitude. In TMT 79, Ben Zoma’s blessing upon seeing a crowd of people at the Temple revealed his unique sense of  gratitude for his blessings. Talmud juxtaposes another saying of Ben Zoma concerning gratitude under very ordinary circumstances: You are invited to someone’s home for a meal. Do you marvel at everything you are served and revel in the efforts of your host? Or do you minimize—or worse, denigrate—your host’s efforts? As recounted in the Talmud, attitude distinguishes a “good guest” from a “bad guest,” but clearly there is much more to the distinction Ben Zoma draws. Ben Zoma’s comparison of the “good guest” and “bad guest” demonstrates both how to cultivate gratitude and how to express it. We come to realize that feeling and expression appreciation are inextricably intertwined. In expressing gratitude, we come to experience it. In experiencing it, we learn to articulate it.

COMMENTARY

When Ben Zoma compares the “good guest” and the “bad guest,” we are to assume both received the same food and service, but reflected their experience differently. The distinction is not in the facts of what occurred, but in their attitude and response to the experience.

The “good guest” appreciates every effort the host goes to, and explicitly expresses: (1) appreciation for each item on the menu; (2) gratitude for the generous quantity of each dish served; and (3) the generous presumption that the effort expended by the host was for the guest, in particular.

In contrast, the “bad guest” undervalues everything by focusing on how little the host needed to expend to feed him, and presumes that the host’s efforts were expended primarily for his own family, not for his guest. In this way, the guest need not feel any appreciation at all since, “He hardly did a thing for me.”

The subject of each sentence uttered by the “good guest” is the host: He went to so much trouble; he served me meat, wine, and cakes; he went to this trouble for my sake alone. The subjects of the “bad guest’s” sentences are both “I” and the host: He went to little trouble. I barely ate anything.  He was more concerned with his family than with me. Good guests believe they receive more than they deserve; bad guests believe they receive less than they deserve.

Having recounted Ben Zoma’s description of the “good guest” and “bad guest,” Gemara supplies proof texts from the ever-enigmatic biblical Book of Job. There is not unanimous agreement about the inherent meaning of these verses (and hence how they ought properly be translated) nor how they function here to bolster Ben Zoma’s teaching. Job 36:24, the verse associated with the “good guest,” seems to support praising one’s host’s efforts (even though the original speaker, Elihu, had praise of God’s deeds in mind). Job 37:24 suggests that just as people cannot see and fully appreciate God, so, too, the “bad guest” fails to fully see all that the host does for the guest and therefore fails to feel gratitude and express appreciation.

Gratitude rejoices with her sister, Joy, and 

is always ready to light a candle and have a party. 

Gratitude doesn’t much like the old cronies of 

Boredom, Despair, and Taking Life for Granted.

—Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlov

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER AND DISCUSS

1. Compare the order of food and drink items, and the language used to describe them, recited by the “good guest” and the “bad guest.” Note that the “good guest” states that s/he is served meat, wine, and cakes, while the “bad guest” names only bread and then claims to have consumed only trivial quantities of meat and wine. What does this reveal about the attitude of each? When are you a “good guest” and when are you a “bad guest”?
2. The “bad guest” is someone who ignores a salient part of reality: his host certainly expended effort on his behalf, and not merely for the sake of his spouse and children. The “bad guest” manages not to see or acknowledge all that was done to make him comfortable and happy. But is the “good guest” entire honest? Didn’t the host expend effort for his own family as well  as for his guests? If we cannot see the full picture of reality, on which side should we err? What are the advantages to us and to others of erring on the side of the “good guest”?
3. Might Ben Zoma have in mind that we are guests in God’s home, the world God created? If so, the difference between being a “good” guest and being a “bad” guest concerns how we experience God’s blessings, evaluate them, and respond to what we have. When are you a “good guest” and when are you a “bad guest”?