Rabbah bar bar Chanah said in the name of R. Yochanan: It is as hard for God make a match [between a man and a woman for marriage] as splitting the Sea of Reeds. Is that so? Did not Rav Yehudah say in the name of Rav: Forty days before the formation of an embryo, a heavenly voice proclaims, “The daughter of So-and-so [is designated to marry] the So-and-so; a certain house [is designated for] So-and-so; a certain field [is designated for] So-and-so. This is not a difficulty: This [opinion, that marital matches are determined in heaven prior to conception] concerns first marriages; this [opinion that marital matches are determined by one’s behavior] concerns second marriages.
INTRODUCTION
Did you choose your life partner? Or did God? Do you believe you met by chance and were fortunate to find one another? Or were you living out a destiny designed for you long ago, perhaps even before your were born? These questions stand behind the difference of opinion between R. Yochanan (as reported by Rabbah bar bar Chanah) and Rav Yehuda.
It is rare for Torah to command or forbid an emotional state. You might point to “You shall love the Lord your God,” but it’s helpful to understand that “love” in the Torah meant loyalty far more than romantic love as we understand it. Marriages were contracted in the ancient world for a host of pragmatic reasons related to family, procreation, and alliances—though Song of Songs assures us that romantic love flourished long ago—and most often parents chose mates for their offspring. Most of us shudder at the prospect of an arranged marriage; many moderns presume that it is more challenging to make an arranged marriage work longterm than a match made by romantic love.
Our passage appears on the first page of tractate Sotah, which discusses the laws and practices surrounding the biblical institution of the “suspected adulteress” whose husband is overwrought with jealousy, but he has neither evidence nor witnesses that his wife has committed adultery. Torah describes a social strategy that is public, involving the priests, to siphon off dangerous emotional energy in the hope that the husband does not act violently toward his wife. The full description of the trial of the sotah is found in Numbers 5:11-31.
Jealousy is a dangerous emotion. It easily turns into rage. The Gemara begins by asking why tractate Sotah follows tractate Nazir, which concerns Nazirite vows. The response provided is that the husband, like a nazir, should not consume alcohol. Given that alcohol lowers inhibitions, and the husband who suspects his wife of adultery is presumed to be overwrought and potentially out of control, this is sound advice indeed!
COMMENTARY
I have heard many people refer to their spouse as “my beshert,” a Yiddish word that suggests that destiny brought the couple together. We find the roots here. While R. Yochanan and Rav Yehudah both agree that God has the primary role in matchmaking, they disagree concerning when and how. R. Yochanan compares God’s matchmaking to Parting the Sea of Reeds: it is a colossally difficult task. Rav Yehudah claims that God matches people either at the moment of conception (the more likely understanding of the Gemara) or forty days prior to conception. (While Gemara presumes heterosexual marriage, we can have in mind any kind of life partnership when we consider this passage.)
The Rabbis resolve the disagreement handily through the use of a technique called okimta, whereby they assign two different realities or sets of circumstances to the two opinions. In this case: Rav Yehudah’s view applies to first marriages; R. Yochanan’s view applies to second marriages. In other words: God arranges your first marriage even before you’re born, but if that marriages ends by death or divorce, the task of finding you a second spouse—when you, like Israel coming out of Egypt, have a fully formed personality and needs—is a tremendous undertaking. Does this resolve anything? Or does it generate more questions?
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER AND DISCUSS
1. Why do you think Gemara identifies Rav Yehudah’s view with first marriages and R. Yochanan’s view with second marriages?
2. How might the notion of God’s role and destiny (“beshert”) in finding a mate make it easier or harder for people to do the hard relationship work marriage requires? Consider the message of this midrash:
A Roman matron asked R. Yose b. Chalafta: “How many days did it take your God to create the world?” He answered, “Six.” “And what has He been doing since then?” “Making matches. This man to that woman,this woman to that man.” The Roman matron replied with surprise: “Is that all? Why anyone can do that!” Rabbi Yossi observed, “It may seem easy to you, but for God making a good match is as difficult as parting the Reed Sea.” To prove her point, the Roman matron returned home and lined up all her household servants – 1000 men and 1000 women, paired them up and married them off. The following morning they returned to her, one with a black eye, one with a bruised face, one limping, and another wounded, each with its own misery and saying, “This one that you designated for me I do not want.” The Roman matron sent for Rabbi Yose and said, “Rabbi your Torah is truth and it is beautiful and praiseworthy. You spoke well in all you said.”(Genesis Rabbah 68 and Leviticus Rabbah 8)
3. Rambam (Moses Maimonides, 11th century) disagreed with both R. Yochanan and Rav Yehudah. In Shemonah Perakim ch. 8 (his introduction to Pirkei Avot), Rambam avers that it is necessary for finding a marital partner to be a human choice in order for people to obtain credit for fulfilling the mitzvah of p’ru ur’vu (procreation), on the one hand, and be held accountable for entering into a prohibited marriage, on the other. Does Rambam’s view solve any problems or only introduce new ones?
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